If I could throw up

If I could throw up so completely
that my body turned inside out

so violently
that the wet membranes inside of me

touched the cold wind out here
If I could vomit myself empty

so that outside and inside
matched

maybe, I hope, or anyway, possibly
metaphorically or in my psyche anyway

perhaps the sensitive thin skin in my stomach
could feel something,

anything-- could be real
or I could be seen

and not hated, but pitied, first
then loved

and, God, if only, then, maybe
I could feel that love.